Dear Reader,
It’s been some time since I’ve written; almost a year and a half since I’ve worked on my blog. I had initially put Konfessions on hold due to a very tough writers block, not knowing what the audience wanted to read and also questioning whether or not I was a credible source. I was unemployed during this time and quickly found myself getting pulled into the world of production, while also starting therapy and tackling my OCD and anxiety.
Today I don’t want to talk about sex, relationships, or dating. I want to talk about approaching/being in your mid 20s and questioning everything in your life. I don’t think any of us know what the fuck is going on; I mean half the time I’m asking a friend who had to ask their firnend, who found the answer from someone else and here we are…just trying to do our best to survive. I recently came out of a 16 year long friendship, something that I valued a lot and I appreciate every lesson I’ve learned from it but coming out of that I realized how quickly things can change and we don’t have to wait around for the right time for anything.
In the past six months, I’ve gotten two nose piercings, dyed my hair, had a wardrobe change, got two new tattoos and I am ready for so many more. I waited on these changes for so long, mostly because I was afraid I would regret the decision to actually pull through with these.
My mind rarely functions as if it’s in the presence, occasionally replays my past, but majority of the time I’m in the future - a constant annoying conversation between myself and my anxiety, creating a pool of “what if’s” to make sure I play my life safe. For the longest time, I played safe. I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so I stayed in relationships that no longer brought me happiness. I held off on things that I wanted because I was scared of what people would think of me. I even avoided applying for certain jobs to spare myself from the, “what if I’m not good at this and I get fired.” I never gave production a chance because I was so afraid that I would fail at it. Yet here I am, 2 raises and one promotion later, leading projects I never imagined I could lead at the age of 25.
I could say that going from 24 to 25 initiated this change, I could also say that this fat meteorite ring I have on my finger (which I will talk about eventually) is doing all the work, but I don’t think it’s just one simple thing that got me here. I think it was setting a goal to make my bed, listen to a podcast at the gym, and eat healthy…and then failing at it. Trying again, and then failing once more, until I realized I’m gonna make my bed when I feel like it & if I want to listen to Meg Thee Stallion instead of the Daily Time one Tuesday morning, then I will do just that. There’s no right way, there’s not a system or a hack; aside from the obvious just do it and see what happens.
I don’t want to live a life of “I wonders” or “what if’s” when I am more than capable of just tackling whatever it is, even if it means failing at it. As long as I’m able, why not take the opportunities that most people would dream of? We just have to find the things we enjoy and try our best to do them often & when we’re bored of them, switch it up. That doesn’t mean we’re doomed or lost, it just means we’re human and we can’t expect ourselves to do the same thing for 80 years, 100 if you don’t drink or smoke. So after rambling for so long these are some things I’ve been doing to feel a little happier in this current lifetime of mine.
Going to the gym. I go with the intention of staying for at least 25 minutes & if I can’t, then I’ll try again tomorrow. I don’t have a routine either, I just do whatever my body wants me to do that day.
Affirmations. Before I went on medication for my anxiety, affirmations were the only thing keeping me from truly losing my sanity. Even on medication I find that my anxiety still slips through the cracks; but grounding myself in the present moment and speaking in a state of “I have” and “I am” has helped instill an abundance of confidence within myself.
Journaling. I don’t know how to journal properly, I genuinely don’t think I’m good at it but lately I’ve just been writing anything that pops up into my head - even if it doesn't make sense.
I do listen to podcasts but I don’t force myself to listen to an entire podcast if I find that I’m not really connecting to what they’re saying. Sometimes I shuffle through about 3 podcasts in one session at the gym.
Small to do lists are good visuals so that you’re able to see how much you’ve actually gotten done BUT do not look at them in a negative aspect as if you haven’t done anything. If you tend to do this, start with 3 small tasks & 2 big ones. Aim to get 2 small tasks done + 1 big task.
Reading. I suck at reading books. I have so many books and I need to read them all before I can get anymore BUT I've found that Audible is the best thing for me. I listen to an audible book before bed and it’s the best thing to put me to sleep.
I’ve picked up new hobbies; embroidery and collaging. Remember that hobbies are not there for you to measure your success or skill set, hobbies are for you to enjoy in your free time. If you’re not having a good time, put it down for a bit and come back to it later.
I like to go out. I like to drink and go out. I wanted to be like all the cool home bodies and stay in because that’s what mature people do but I’ve realized, I like being social and I like going out. I just have to find the balance. I’ve found that Fridays are the best day to go out because you won’t have a hangover and the Sunday scaries all on Sunday. I’m also still learning that a good time doesn’t always correlate with a long time…so yes, you can have a fun time and still be in bed by 12 AM.
This last one is controversial. I live at home with my parents, I don’t pay rent or car payments but I try to live in a financially abundant mindset which means I am confident that I will always be okay financially, as long as I am working hard and I keep myself at a reasonable bank account number - meaning that I don’t allow myself to go below a very low number. But I try not to think in a mindset of scarcity because I only put out that I’m never going to have enough. Remember what you put is what you get in return. This also doesn’t have to be wreckless shopping, investing in yourself is just as important as grocery shopping.
To cut this 3 page long post short - the bitch is back and I’m going to talk about whatever and whenever.
Xoxo - K