“Even demons have their good days.”-An Ex of Mine
*Disclaimer* I know how extremely hard it can be to leave an abusive relationship, I am in no way saying it is as easy as talking to someone for help and leaving. It takes a huge amount of courage, time, and courage to be able to stand up to your abuser and leave. What I discuss in this article are what I consider a few traits of a toxic relationship and that the first step is to acknowledge them and try to reach out for help.*
Hotlines:
Dear Reader,
So you’ve bought yourself some bleach and because of the warning label on the back you know not to drink it (or at least I hope you know not to), but you never got a warning label for your partner and now you have no idea your relationship has gone bad; aka what we call a toxic relationship. I’ve been in too many of these and can tell you how extremely hard it is for someone in a toxic relationship to a) recognize it and b) leave it [<<<this one’s super hard]. As a disclaimer, and as someone who was once in denial, I hope I can share with you what I deem are some of the most toxic traits in a toxic relationship. You might disagree, you might share them with a friend you’re concerned about, or you might even realize you’re in one and that it’s time to save your ass.
Jealousy
Now I believe that there can be a healthy amount of jealousy because I feel that jealousy can be a natural feeling we tend to experience with dating or in life in general. Typically you can tell there’s an unhealthy amount of jealousy when your partner constantly claims there is something going on between you and another person, creating fake scenarios due to their insecurity with the relationship. Sometimes there can be a fine line between healthy jealousy and toxic jealousy; therefore, when you find that you’re afraid to talk about a friend or share a certain experience you had with someone close to you, it might be time to evaluate the level of trust your partner has with you.
All Take No Give
Sometimes you may find that you are more exhausted from the relationship than your partner is. You’ll realize that you do more for them than they’re doing for you, that you put in all of this effort to only get a bag of skittles in return. You almost feel as if you’re being taken advantage of and that’s just not how a healthy relationship should function. Remember you are not required to do more because you simply are in love with them, it’s about both of you being fully capable of putting in the same amount of effort and both of you acting on it.
Gaslighting
Some of you are probably familiar with this term, “manipulating someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.” One of my favorite films from the 40s, Gaslight directed by Thorold Dickinson illustrates a great example of gaslighting. I highly recommend you to watch it. Anyways, one of the worst things anyone can do to you is try to convince you that you have lost your sanity. You feel isolated, delusional, and then you begin to excuse their poor behavior and bad decisions. You begin to doubt yourself and your confidence dwindles away as your partner gets off the hook time and time again. A toxic partner does not own up to their mistakes and will rarely apologize, especially since you too will start to believe your judgment is off.
Disregard for Boundaries
It is one of the most wonderful experiences to be able to share your time, love, and mind with somebody. However, just because you’ve gotten comfortable with your partner and they want to be with you all the time does not give them the right to invade your privacy and disregard the boundaries you’ve set. There should be no reason you guys are in each other’s phones, you each are allowed your privacy as well as time for yourself. If they can’t respect one of the easiest rules in the book, to not hover or snoop around in your life then they’ve still got so much learning to do as a decent human being.
Fighting
I hate confrontation but sometimes it needs to happen. However, there’s a distinct difference between healthy confrontation and abuse. You both should be allowed to speak your mind without any hurtful backlash. While we all know and should agree, physical violence is a bright red flag for a toxic relationship. If a man or woman puts their hands on you, throws things in your direction, or even hits things close to you it’s a sign of aggression that shows they do not know how to communicate in a healthy way like an adult should. There’s also the other issue of mental abuse. Most people won’t experience physical abuse and they’ll think their relationship is all fine yet they’re experiencing insecurity, self-esteem issues, and are overall feeling really crappy about themselves. What your partner says to you can be traumatizing and damaging, emotionally and mentally, even if it wasn’t physically harming. Someone who loves you would never say anything to you or about you to make you feel awful about yourself, the job of someone who loves you is to support and care for you. Period.
Controlling
I rarely like to use the phrases “allow” or “let you” in a relationship. These phrases suggest that they have control over what you do and without their consent you’re not able to do what you’d like to. This goes for partying/drinking, hanging out with or blocking certain people on social media, deciding what you can or can’t wear, convincing you of what interest fits you better, etc. If you’re doing something that makes your partner feel threatened or unsafe then it is 100% okay to not allow it to happen; however, small decisions that you can make for yourself in your own life does not & should not be dictated by someone else.
There are a number of possible red flags seen throughout unhealthy relationships, these are just some of the few I found to be most prominent in relationships I’ve witnessed or even been in myself. I once was in a toxic relationship that lasted for about 2 and a half years and it was, unfortunately, my first relationship so what I had perceived to be love & care was actually the complete opposite of what it should have been. We don’t need to let these people into our lives and treat us this way, we allow them to be in our lives to share this experience of support, care, and love with us. We are deserving of the love we give to each other because I’ll tell you what, there are a shit ton of people in this world who would kill to receive and give the love you so easily and unconditionally gave this toxic partner. So tell your friends, your parents, your therapist, or whoever and let them know you need their support because the thing I needed most when I felt unloved and insecure was my girls & someplace to dance.
Love,
K
Comments