Dear Reader,
Sometimes it’s easy for us to let our hearts take the lead and get clouded by our emotions. We can’t always use logic to decipher our feelings because love can be more complex than we realize. Looking back on past relationships I now can clearly understand the difference between knowing when I’ve been in love versus when I’ve only been in love with the idea of a particular person, but I always wonder how many of those people loved me back or if they too were only infatuated with the idea of me. Oftentimes we can unintentionally put our partners on a pedestal and when we hold something to such high standards, we forget to acknowledge the possible flags & flaws. So how do we know when our partner and ourselves are actually in love or if it’s just about loving the idea of something?
🍒 Your wants and needs blend in with your reality and change the way you perceive someone
If you made a list of the things you want and need in life you might find that there are a number of differences between the two lists. What we desire is not necessarily what we need. Just because you are looking for a specific partner doesn’t mean that partner is going to be right for you. Sometimes we’ll find ourselves ignoring the bad & tiptoeing around the things that don’t make sense just to hold onto the desired relationship. If you become obsessed with the idea of not wanting to be alone or really wanting this specific person, your judgment of what you need gets overshadowed by what you want.
🍒 Sometimes we just don’t want to be alone
I can confidently say that yes I have been here before & it leaves you feeling more alone than you did when you were in the single life. It’s okay to be alone and it’s okay to wait for something that makes sense. When we settle for less than we deserve or we settle for someone we’re not crazy about, there can’t be any possibility for real love to grow there. You can love that you are no longer single or you can love that someone’s giving you the attention you really missed but you can’t be in love with the person that holds the place for your better-suited match. Say no to the placeholders!
🍒 We hold onto what they used to be
We talked about the fizzle and how it can be a false judgment for certain people’s character. Most of the time people aren’t genuinely themselves the first couple of months because no one actually wants their true colors to be shown too soon. If you’re lucky, you’ll find people that show their true colors without the additional shock of a lot of horrible red flags. However, in some cases, we may find a bright field of red flags & unfortunately, this can happen at any point in the relationship, but it’s usually done after they have made a good impression on you. With this good impression, the memories of happiness & unconditional love never leave. Sometimes these memories can cover up the bad, and we hope that the worst in them is only a phase and that they’ll return back to their “original self." When we see the fizzle followed by a number of red flags it’s important to remember that people do have the ability to change-usually in a different direction than what they used to be-but it’s not something to hold your breath to. Don’t wait around for someone to become the person you want them to be, find those traits in someone else.
🍒 You’re into how they appear and not actually who they are
Physical appearances can be so deceiving. There’s no way to be in love with someone based solely on their physical attributes or their career. Being in love with someone involves getting to know them beneath their surface. Therefore if you find yourself obsessed with the way they look, how you two look together, what they do for a career, basically you’re too involved with trying to create an image rather than letting that image create itself and appreciating it despite vanity standards.
🍒 You change yourself to make it work
I’m sure everyone has let this slip at least once in their life. When we meet new people & spend more time with them we might find that our interests begin to mix and you’ll be exposed to all sorts of new hobbies/interests you’ve gained from them. This is completely justifiable because that’s just part of making new friends and dating someone, there’s always room for expanding interests and hobbies. However, do not put yourself through a hike if you hate the outdoors. What I’m trying to say is that it’s okay if you guys don’t have the same hobbies but it’s not okay to fake an interest in their hobbies so that you can feel you two were meant to be. Don’t force this concept, what’s meant to be will be.
🍒 Living in the future, plan for it but don’t live there. You won’t appreciate the present!
Truthfully this is something I still have to learn to work on because I’m always looking towards the future. I can’t stress enough how unhealthy this can become when it’s thought about too often. It’s okay to want to look forward to the future and lightly plan but when you want to tie someone down, you often find yourself in a rush to create that picture. It’s natural to not have control of the future so try to practice being more present in the current state of your relationship and appreciate what you already have.
It’s hard to always know what’s best for you when love & attraction gets in the way. Growing up with romance movies & novels we tend to look for a specific idea of a person or future to chase after. We might mistake someone we’re interested in for something they’re not because we so blindly look for love. So take this time to evaluate your relationship with your partner, your interest in someone you’re talking to, or even a friend. If you’ve checked off a couple of these it might be time to take them off the pedestal. I leave you here today with one thing to remember. The difference between loving the idea of someone and loving them is that when you actually love someone you accept the things you love about them while also accepting their flaws.