Dear Reader,
I’m writing to you from the comfort of my own bed, watching the Sex & the City movie-a guilty favorite of mine-have you seen it? Well if you know of Carrie Bradshaw & Mr. Big, you know what an unhealthy relationship looks like. I said it and I’m not sorry! I always told my friends and family that working on a relationship was just as important as working on anything else in your life, that we couldn’t just expect things to fall into our lap without putting in the effort. I was so lost in this idea that I had convinced myself to fight for the things that didn’t deserve my energy. This is That One Time Thursday, and today I’m telling you that one time I misunderstood what working on a relationship actually meant.
Currently, you know me as a woman in a healthy loving stable relationship but it wasn’t always like that. I had been through heartbreak many times, the mentally abusive kind, the half-committed kind, and the one that just didn’t work out. I spent months doing things I didn't even want to do, giving all my passwords away to prove a point, apologizing for things that weren't my fault, bending over backward so that I wouldn't lose the relationship, forgiving too often, and despite knowing I deserved better I stayed. I’ve been wanting to write about my experiences of being in a toxic relationship for a while now but that’s not really what I’m looking to share at this moment. Right now, I’m hoping I can save some of you who made the same mistakes I made years ago, over and over again because I was either too naive or too in denial to accept it. It’s okay to work on a relationship, there’s nothing wrong with making it a priority of yours. I’m talking about when there’s an issue you need to communicate on with your partner. When you work on a relationship it takes two people to solve the problem. The common mistake most people make when trying to resolve a problem is that they begin fighting one another, turning on each other, and they’re left with this unresolved issue. When trying to fix a problem it’s important that both partners are aware of the problem & agree that the situation itself isn’t working out which means not looking to blame one another. Most of the time, the issue is the problem & not one another, fighting each other is never going to resolve the situation. Most healthy couples understand this; therefore, they work on their relationship by communicating with one another in a healthy way and create respectful boundaries that best support the relationship.
Now, if you find yourself in the situations that I’ve found myself in, you’ll tell yourself, “Well it’s okay to be feeling this way in this awful situation because it’s work. I’m working hard at this relationship, it’s not always going to be easy.” No. Parenting with someone, making financial commitments, or being in a relationship for quite some time can be hard work. Your relationship with Matt that’s been under a year should not be hard work. I’ve been in situations where I’m constantly putting in more effort when I know the person isn’t on the same page as me, I’m choosing to them the way I want to be treated in return but I don’t receive that treatment back, basically, I’m looking for love in a place that doesn’t have any for me or isn’t quite ready for me as I am for them. This is not an issue of hard work or a problem with an easy fix. This is us dating people who don’t have the love we offer to give back to us. It’s as simple as that.
Referring back to Mr. Big and Carrie, to me their relationship exhibits an unhealthy never-ending cycle of Carrie Bradshaw working hard only to see the same results in the end. You see, it doesn’t matter how hard you try to fix a broken vase, because it’s never going to look quite the same & maybe you’re still missing that one piece & the person you’re with doesn’t want to give you that last piece. Ultimately working hard on a relationship will always require two people and if you find yourself being the only one putting in that hard work, it might be time to call it quits because someone out there wouldn’t hesitate to give you that last piece...they wouldn’t even let the vase break.
Sincerely,
K