Dear Reader,
Sorry about the hiatus, unemployment continues to leave me discouraged and unmotivated. It’s been months of looking for a job, 200 job apps, a few interviews, and I still sit at this desk typing as an unemployed woman. Aside from my disappointing career, I think we should discuss the difference between doing the bare minimum and doing something special. As I’m scrolling through Tik Tok I’m appalled by what we consider the ideal partner, someone who’s just being a decent human being. I once knew this guy in high school who said that he wouldn’t buy his girlfriend anything or pay for the dates so that when he bought her a bag of skittles she’d be amazed by it. Is this what we’re really going to let them get away with? Wooing us with the basic requirements necessary to define a partner? No.
One night my boyfriend, who wasn’t labeled as my boyfriend at the time, put me to sleep after a wild night out. When I say he put me to sleep, I mean he tucked me in, gave me a baggy, and plugged my phone in. I remember the next morning, obviously beyond hungover, I worshipped him for that. He was shocked because he assumed that’s what any good guy would do. Wrong. Nowadays we’re left there to be someone else’s problem, we’re shamed for making the mistake of drinking too much that night, or we’re taken advantage of and then made to feel like it’s our fault. And to think the Tik Tok boys thought they did something with the “hold my drink trend” It’s not the exception, it’s the rule.
The exception is surprising your partner with flowers once in a while, it’s sending them sweet letters or texts out of the blue, it’s actively and unconditionally listening when your partner expresses their feelings, it’s showing your love for them beyond the honeymoon phase, it’s all the things that a partner can do to show you that you are in fact worth it.
Sometimes when you come out of toxic relationships, you’ll find that even the smallest gesture will woo you. This is because we rarely ever experienced these acts of kindness and love towards us, we were deprived of it and we're conditioned to believe it was something rare and special. Of course, it is more than okay to appreciate this gesture in a healthy relationship but we must learn that that is the mere foundation of a healthy relationship. Your standards should include these + more of what you’re specifically looking for in a partner.
So next time they don’t put you in danger or your partner buys you nothing but a bag of skittles once a year, remember that they are simply following the rules and not exceeding the basic expectations of what a partner should already be doing. And if you find yourself getting furious at this post because this is doing too much and it’s not necessary...well you might be the reason why the bar’s in hell.
Next time your partner lets you down when they couldn't follow the simplest of relationship rules or boundaries, it's not enough to say "You upset me." or "You disappointed me." Let them know you're just less interested in them, that'll keep that bar raised and very visible.
What's something your partner's done for you that surprised you? Or what's something you mistook for being the exception but it was really just the rule?
Sincerely,
K
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