Dear Reader,
One of the things I most hate to hear from long term couples is that there’s no longer any passion because the honeymoon phase is considered over. Since when did the end of the honeymoon phase mean there doesn’t have to be any more passion or effort put into the relationship? This is what I call the fizzle; where a partner in a relationship decides they’ve already gotten the girl or landed the guy and they no longer need to put in the same effort as they did in the beginning. I’ve dealt with the fizzle in almost every single one of my relationships, I kid you not it is not only hell but an unreasonable excuse that people use to make up for the fact that they’re too comfortable with the idea that they’ve won you. It’s not a carnival game, you don’t get to just throw the darts at the balloon and take home the prize only to let it sit away on some dusty shelf. One of the biggest problems I find with this issue is that some of us are tricked into thinking we’ve chosen some knight in shining armor but then after a year or so it’s actually just an average dude in what can only be described as aluminum foil. The problem is that they’ve thought they deserved this wonderful person, they did everything it took in their power to convince you they were worth the time and effort but once they stop doing that, you begin to doubt and question your value. Don't ever let someone make you question your value! The moment we question our worth because someone’s made us feel or given us less than what deserve, is the moment we need to re-evaluate our relationship and not ourselves. Society has it all wrong. Yes, the honeymoon phase is not meant to last; walls break down from true colors shown, from being together so often, and eventually getting too comfortable with one another. Getting comfortable is pissing with the door open or wearing the sweats instead of the tight dress, you are dreadfully mistaken if you think it’s no longer telling a partner you love them, taking them out on dates, and keeping them at the top of the priority list because you already did it in the beginning.
Oftentimes we believe that once we’ve gotten the date or made it official that the hard work has been done but it doesn’t stop there. Think about the last time you worked on your body. You worked out and you ate healthy and yes you enjoyed a cheat day or maybe two but you kept up the effort to keep up the body. What happened when you took that whole cheat month or cheat year...your body was no longer what it used to be. If you’re willing to do all of that work in order to get the girl or guy of your dreams, you’ve got to be willing to keep pushing forward by still putting in that same amount of effort. Now I’m not saying things have to be wonderful all the time, we have our cheat days but when your cheat day has turned into a couple of months or a year then you might want to pick up the slack and surprise them with a date night, small gift, or even a random compliment to brighten their day.
To make sure the fizzle will be avoided in your relationship or you want to fix the fizzle you’re currently in, I suggest understanding the 5 Love Languages. You can click on the link and take the quiz to figure out what your love language is. Simply put, these 5 love languages vary per person and are distinct forms in which each individual prefers to receive love. There is: Gift Giving, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. When discussing issues within a relationship my first question I always ask is what kind of person is their partner? We all have different ways we feel loved and sometimes when we don’t teach or inform our partner of which way prefer to receive love, we might think the entire relationship is doomed or one person’s idea of effort doesn’t translate to their partner’s idea of effort. For example, your partner enjoys hearing words affirmation; such as, “You look beautiful/handsome today” or “I love you so much, you mean the world to me,” while you prefer gifts. You might assume that your partner enjoys gifts as well, so you give them a necklace or a bracelet instead of actually meeting their needs. Your partner might assume you don’t care for them as much as they do for you because you’ve just purchased a necklace they didn’t ask for in the first place. *Disclaimer: we all love gifts to some extent and I’m sure no matter the love language they’ll appreciate the thought and the gift. However, this is just an example to show that sometimes keeping your partner happy and feeling appreciated is easier than we think.
If you feel you have to do something you aren’t comfortable, you’re not used to, or it’s exhausting to date your partner then maybe they aren’t the right partner for you. Love shouldn’t feel like a chore, so if you find you’re struggling to meet your partner's needs, maybe you need to talk to them about how to get there or find someone else who might better match your frequency. Don’t waste your time or theirs by pretending you can offer them the love, passion, and support they’re asking for when there’s someone else out there who’s willing to genuinely offer all that. So next time you win the girl/guy of your dreams, remember why they are the girl/guy of your dreams. Try your best to make them feel as important to you as they did the day you chased after them. Of course, we can’t always be at our very best so allow room for error but make sure you communicate the ways you need your partner to be there for you. As much as we want to believe that love and relationships are flawless and easy as the movies, we need to learn to let people know when we’re feeling distant, when and how we need love, and even admit when it might be time to let go. Don’t fear the fizzle, face the fizzle.
Sincerely,
K