Dear Reader,
For today’s post, I wanted to discuss abusive relationships, what might be possible signs of an unhealthy relationship, what the long-lasting effects of being in one can have on your future, and why it’s not as simple as you think it is to “just leave.” I promised you guys a Movie Monday for this week; therefore, I decided to incorporate today’s post into our discussion on the movie The Invisible Man!
If you haven’t seen this film, you can go ahead and stream it on HBO Max. I really enjoyed this thriller because not only was it something I haven’t already seen before but it also accurately exhibits the terror & struggle of what going through an unhealthy relationship feels & looks like. Cecilia is the girlfriend of Adrian who is a crazed scientist...but also her abuser. He’s literally held her hostage and physically, emotionally, and mentally abused her to the point where she risks her life looking for a way out. She finally escapes her captivity which is then followed by Adrian’s suicidal death...or so he’s tricked the world into thinking. Cecilia believes she’s not free yet because she can feel his presence wherever she goes but she can’t see him.
I won’t give away the ending so we’ll jump right into the post & movie discussion. The first impression I got from this premise was that even if you got yourself out of an abusive relationship and you’re getting a fresh start on your future, the trauma of what you endured still kind of lingers on you.
This may look like:
* Not trusting others as easily
* Not creating your own boundaries because you don’t know what healthy boundaries look like or if they’re even allowed
* It’s flinching at the slightest movement
* It’s blaming yourself & always keeping your guard up just a little bit.
* It’s walking on eggshells and being afraid to speak up
So even though Cecilia is staying safe with a friend of hers, she’s struggling to move forward. There’s a scene of her stepping outside of the safety of her friend’s home & then being startled by a runner coming in her direction, she immediately runs right back into the house. She’s suffering from PTSD and the anxiety of being sucked back into that terrifying experience. There’s no right way to get back on your feet again after experiencing something as difficult as this, every person will take different strides at different paces. You can see that it affects the way she speaks, how she holds herself together, even in her job interview she doesn’t quite have that confidence anymore.
Another obvious motif of the film is that we don’t really see her abuser. If you’ve heard the phrase: “You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.” it really applies to this film. She’s going through this abuse & traumatic experience that only she can see because he only lets her see this side of him. It goes to show that sometimes we can offer the idea of helping those who are being abused but we can be really blind & insensitive to what they’re actually going through. I think this happens a lot when our friends tell us, “Just leave, why are you putting yourself through this.” And I cannot tell these people enough that it’s just not that simple. Think about its...these are strong bonds with people that have gotten so skin deep, ingrained into our heads, and caused confusion & reluctance to just leave. I know from personal experience I thought it was just one bad dad because he had his good days too, so why not give a second or a third chance? I also believed that I was to blame & I owed it to him to clean up my mistakes & beg him for forgiveness. This is the psychological part of it and it’s more than just physically walking away, abuse can be mental and that mental abuse can be extremely detrimental to our decision making and the way we perceive the things we’re going through.
One of the things Adrian does to her that psychologically affects her is Gaslighting.
By being invisible & doing these things to her that no one else can see, the people around her think she’s losing it, and if enough people think that of you it could potentially be enough to convince yourself. I mean there’s even a point where I’m wondering if she’s seeing things that actually aren’t there. There’s a part where Adrian kills & abuses someone to make it look like it’s Cecilia’s fault this is a perfect visualization of gaslighting. He’s making her feel like she’s losing her mind and those around her think she’s gone crazy & it’s her fault. There’s an even point where she admits, “I mean it is kind of my fault…” because she indirectly takes the blame for his actions. Adrian is pushing the people in her life away from her & that’s the most basic move of any abuser. They’ll tell you, “You can’t do it on your own. No one will believe you. They don’t care about you.” and it’s said enough that the abused might believe it and feel isolated. When there’s isolation there’s no way out to the real world, he’s held her captive physically and emotionally.
Cecilia tells her friend, “This is what he does. He makes me feel like the crazy one.” And this can be a huge red flag when you’re going through any kind of relationship. Someone who loves and supports you will never and should never leave you feeling like this. I can’t tell you to get up, pack your bags, and walk away but I can encourage talking to someone & planning a way to get out because no one deserves that kind of treatment. From one survivor to another, I leave you with three things:
* It’s going to be hard at first. I knew that I had big trust issues in my next relationships, I knew I was afraid to speak up, to tell people what I was going through, that I always expected and settled for the worst. But along the way you’ll find friends and partners who will remind you that you deserve healthy relationships, they’ll show you what that looks like and you’ll be amazed when it happens because I know I was. I couldn’t believe that there were still guys who could communicate their feelings without belittling me.
* I tracked the bad moments. Sometimes on good days, I’d look at the list and I’d remember that it wasn’t going to stay this way. I had watched my friends in healthy relationships and it was enough to prove to me that those still existed & I deserved it just as much.
* To the supporters, your friends need your unconditional support. You can tell us time and time again but as we all know, we learn for ourselves on our own. We may feel a little ridiculous for not listening before so NEVER EVER say I told you so. Everyone works in their own ways, some people are stronger than others at some point in their lives. But you don’t just get that strong overnight, it takes lessons to get there. So let us learn these lessons and be as supportive as you can.
Sincerely,
K