Dear Reader,
How are you? Okay, but how are you actually feeling? I wouldn’t blame you if you said you were feeling anxious, depressed, exhausted, unmotivated, or whatever it is that you’re feeling. These feelings are and will always be 100% valid. I know with the current circumstances, rock bottom is starting to feel normal...not great but something we’re getting too familiar with. With the election coming up, COVID still impacting the world, and this limbo of unemployment you may be in, things are starting to feel like this could be our life from now on. That’s what I’ve been hearing a lot recently, “This is our life. This is what our lives and our world are going to be like from now.” But I don’t want you to accept that. I want you to deny it or to at least keep pushing yourself to deny it.
I’m writing to you mid panic attack. I suffer from health anxiety, something that I’ve been dealing with for a couple of years now. By definition we call this hypochondria:
Hypochondria has impacted my school & work life, my friendships, and my relationships with my partners. I’m constantly in fear of seeing 90% of my friends, sharing drinks with friends & family, hugging people, and I frequently experience mini anxiety attacks when I feel at risk. Most of the time people around me aren’t aware I’m panicking because I’m afraid to upset or worry them.
I have a good immune system, trust me I’ve gotten all my blood tests and seen multiple doctors that couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. It wasn’t until my gynecologist told me “I had to chill out, relax, & meditate,” because I was the cause of my symptoms. But it’s never just been that easy. I meditate, I even have anxiety medication for my anxiety attacks that I try not to use very often, but as a majority of this world knows, our thoughts can do great damage. What occurs when I feel at risk is the presence of mild symptoms of a cold. The thermometer might say I’m fine, the doctor might say I’m fine, but I feel sick. This is because my body is under so much stress that I’ve convinced myself the things that I am feeling are actually symptoms of a cold. Some hypochondriacs don’t like to see the doctor because they’re afraid to find out something’s wrong with them AND other hypochondriacs frequently see their doctor because they’re constantly worried something’s wrong. I avoided my pap smear test because I was worried I would have ovarian cancer but I often visited the doctor because I was worried I had some kind of permanent disease that wouldn’t kill me but would heavily impact my health.
What I’m trying to get at here is that just because I am young & just because I have a healthy body does not give anyone the right to make me feel like my concerns aren’t validated. This is a form of anxiety, this is something I have to learn to manage & I can’t do this while people tell me I’m overreacting, that I’m making up my symptoms, or that I’m crazy. I’m grateful for the friends that support me & understand the condition I have, these are friends who reassure me without telling me I’m going insane. They calm my nerves with rational reasons, when I ask for it, by telling me I haven’t drunk enough water, I need more sleep, it’s allergy season, and that I’m going to be okay.
One of the worst feelings is feeling like you have to go through something on your own or that you feel misunderstood. So for awareness for world mental health day, I want to honor all of you beautiful, strong, incredible people who are taking on so much and still powering through, no matter what it is I want you to know it’s valid. You take your time to get through it. It’s okay that you feel this way, you’re not the only one feeling this way. Reaching out to people is not being needy or being a buzzkill, it’s getting help from the people who want to support you, that’s why they’re there. It’s normal to go in and out of these feelings, so don’t be hard on yourself when you find yourself back in the same spot. Always listen to your body when it’s asking to rest, practice self-care more often, and find the little things in life to appreciate when the world’s falling apart.
I leave you today with one last thought, have you ever heard of or looked up the symbolism of the mythical bird the Phoenix? It symbolizes renewal, rebirth, resurrection, and grace.
“Just like the phoenix emerges from its ashes, so can man after devastation and loss.”
Whether we choose to think about the state that our world is in or the state of our mental health, when we think of this quote try to accept the idea of renewal and rebirth. We know what rock bottom is because we’re currently living in it & we have the opportunity to learn from this pain & struggle and work hard at rising out so that hopefully we see better days ahead. Whatever it is that you’re fighting through or fighting for, don’t give up.
Here are some hotlines that may be helpful to know:
Suicide Hotline: 800-784-2433
24 Hour Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255
24 Hour Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233
24/7 The Trevor Project (Support to the LGBTQ Young Adult Community): 866-488-7386
National Alliance on Mental Illness: 800-950-6264
National Eating Disorder Association: 800-931-2237
General Crisis Text Line: Text SUPPORT to 741-741
Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-4673
Love,
K