Dear Reader,
We often feel that those responsible for our broken hearts are the ones that we used to call our partners. We blame them for the damage they caused & we're the ones left to clean up the mess, putting ourselves back together on our own or with the help of our friends. But what we forget sometimes is that we too can break our own hearts. I know this because I have an unhealthy habit of doing this to myself, time and time again I find myself crying into my pillow late at night or venting to a friend because I’m overwhelmed with fear & pain that I've brought upon myself.
I’m in a healthy relationship, which can be difficult sometimes because of long-distance, but he does his best to reassure me I am loved as I do the same for him. But it’s never enough because I’m constantly reassuring myself I am not loved. Someone could easily say, “Well he’s not doing enough” but that’s not the case at all. He does more than enough, I just keep convincing myself of all the reasons it could go wrong. If you’re anything like me, which I’m sorry to hear, I need you to remember these things when you go down this rabbit hole of fears & anxiety. Don’t worry, I’m still learning too so we’ll work on them together.
Planning my future
It’s okay to let your partner know the things you want in life but we can’t always have everything planned, especially when there’s another person involved. Usually, when your head’s too invested in your future, you’re not present in the moment which means that you’re not enjoying what you have right in front of you. This may be a sign that you’re in love with the idea of a future with someone and not necessarily about this person in your future. Learn to keep yourself grounded and try not to think about the future because if it doesn’t work out the way you’ve planned it in your head, you’ll only get your hopes down.
Letting my past speak for my future
Sometimes no matter how wonderful the person, you’re so screwed up from the past that you hold your current partner accountable for these fears & anxiety. Just because we were cheated on or we were abruptly abandoned, doesn’t guarantee that your partner will do the same thing. When you’re putting yourself back out there, you need to be okay with the possibility of being hurt. Learn to trust in yourself to trust in your partner. Don’t let a bad experience with Chad rob you from finding a real connection.
The story you’re telling yourself
This one might be a little niche for some of you but I know one other person who does the same thing I do. You have to stop storytelling these false realities to yourself. When you lay there at night and watch yourself getting cheated on in your head, when you picture him walking out on you, or whatever it is you’re picturing that brings you pain...it’s a sign you need to communicate with your partner. Sometimes there might not even be a resolution, but it’s still good for the heart & mind to let go of these fears & anxieties and maybe reason out what might be the actual problem. The storytelling does nothing but bring more paranoia and sadness into your life, there might not be a sign that something’s wrong so you’re imagining it for yourself in order for you to feel more prepared for the end.
Looking for red flags
After stumbling across red flag after red flag, we become more cautious and start looking for them so that we can save ourselves & get out quicker. But sometimes we’re looking for red flags in a field of green, so we start planting our own or paint them red. We want to protect ourselves so much that we give ourselves a reason to leave.
Overthinking
You might read into every little thing & find the negative in it. If they didn’t say I love you, text back fast enough, or they can’t see you today...you start thinking about the worst-case scarious. This might be where our fight or flight responses kick in. We begin to chase a little harder so we don’t lose them or we pull away because we’re afraid of being rejected. We’ve had so many bad experiences that have traumatized us that we pick up on “signs” that could indicate something bad is going to happen. We start convincing ourselves it HAS to be bad, when in fact it’s just the average human mistake.
Pushing people away
We don’t want to feel abandoned again so we get out while there’s not much invested. It’s easier to leave something that you’re not tied too tightly to, so in order to save ourselves, we give our partners a reason to not be together. But you never even gave the relationship a real shot, you’ll always wonder what it would have been like or where it would have taken you. Sometimes that hurts more than losing something.
Listening to sad music
This is simple. I allow some sad music to listen to in the very beginning but the sad music will continue to bring up the same feelings over and over again. There isn’t any healing coming from this activity. Don’t wash your car with a hose in the rain. I suggest music that makes you feel hot, powerful, and adventurous.
Convincing myself that I don’t deserve the good
But no one deserves to be unhappy. So why convince yourself you deserve someone that makes you feel small or doesn’t give you the love you put out? People make mistakes, no one is perfect. Convincing yourself that you need to go back to your ex or go back to settling for trash, is like going to counseling or rehab only to turn back around and go down the same path again. You’ve experienced so much growth and you’ve seen what you deserve, so why walk away from something that’s good for you & why walk away from someone who is willing to give you the world. Let them!
I leave you with a beautiful quote my friend Madison shared with me the other night:
“Touch it and let it go”
So the next time you’re struggling with relationship anxiety, acknowledge the bad habit, touch these negative thoughts, let them go, and move forward. The world cannot promise you a life of no pain but the world never promised you a world full of it either.
Sincerely,
K