Dear Reader,
I have something to konfess. My room looks like shit, I’ve applied to over 30 jobs, I cried trying to open a jar of pickles, and I feel disconnected from my friends, family, and society at this exact moment. As much as I am loving writing about sex, relationships, and dating, sometimes I find it hard to get out of bed and write as if all is okay. My friend Kelsey shared with me this perfectly relevant quote she heard the other day, “Normalize being exhausted from doing the bare minimum.” It’s challenging during this time to want to be as productive as we were-if not-more than we were before COVID. We think because we have all the time in the world right now that we’re supposed to be doing something productive every second of the day, and if we don’t we’re failing. But how can you tell yourself you’re failing when the world around us is failing you every day? They told us the time we spent with ourselves would be an eye-opening experience of reflection, and to that I say, oh my god I hate spending all this time with myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love and appreciate myself, but I don’t think we’re supposed to be spending this much time with ourselves. We’re supposed to go outside and breathe fresh air without it being filtered through a KN95 mask, get dressed up and feel hot when we walk to that uber that’s taking us to the place we miss most, sit with our friends with little to no space between us, and we’re supposed to see their smiles without having to imagine what it looks like. Spending all this time with myself has me in an anxious unhealthy thought loop of my relationship with my boyfriend and friends. I can’t help but wonder if losing the freedom of going out means the loss of friends and dating life.
I am so lucky to have the friends I have, that not being able to go out to the bars or a big event doesn’t keep us apart. It was the hardest thing having to tell over 75% of my friends I couldn’t see them because I was scared. I couldn’t help but think, would this be the last time I’d ever get to hug them or even just see them without having to stand a street apart. It’s hard to keep yourself sane when you’re seeing the same people over and over again, and as much as I love the people around me I do miss the others. The friends I said goodbye to after college, I have no idea when I’ll see them again. I can’t even begin to explain how crazy my mind is driving me into thinking that the people I see every day are getting bored of me. I’d be lying if I didn’t say my anxiety and depression peaked in the past couple of months because I am afraid I’m losing my friends, my boyfriend, and a grip on my life. If you didn’t have anxiety before well maybe you’re experiencing it for the first time but just know, “Today, “anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S.,” affecting around 40 million adults — almost 1 in 5 people.” (MedicalNewsToday) I hope that number brings you a little more comfort, knowing that you might even know someone in your own group who’s going through it today and potentially feel less afraid to ask them how they manage. It’s so hard trying to get through it when you’re isolated away from the things that bring you joy and keep your mind busy. It’s hard to keep the glass half full when it keeps getting knocked over so feel free to try some of the things I do to help with my own anxiety:
Watching a comforting show
Simply being around loved ones
Asking for reassurance
Communicating with friends/family/therapists where your mental health is at
Big crying sessions
Going to the store and getting anything and everything that brings your comfort
Painting. There’s no right way to paint, I stand by that.
Face masks, painting nails, dressing up, mini photo sessions, really anything that makes you love the body you’re in a little more.
I’m more than lucky to have my boyfriend during this time because I started dating Gregory right before quarantine hit and I can truthfully say I’d be a confused and frustrated mess if I were looking through dating apps right now. I keep putting all these posts out about dating but I haven’t acknowledged the elephant in the room; dating is not what it used to be and it’s much more difficult to meet someone now than it was before. It’s hard enough getting yourself on a dating app, swiping through profile after profile just to meet a catfish or dead-end again. Then you have to consider if it's even worth the risk meeting them in person, do you trust them, is this casual or the real thing, will you still know how to do it after months of being cooped up inside? Some of us just work better in person and wanting to meet someone but struggling to do so online can be painfully frustrating. I know a number of beautiful, exciting, and intelligent people who are getting tired of doing this over and over again. So for you wonderful people, who I know deserve more than a simple conversation starter on bumble, I’m sorry COVID took this from you. Maybe this can be a time for you to expand your preferences and be more open to people you wouldn’t have considered before or maybe you’ll find that you need just a little more time with the guys or girls before you take on the idea of being tied down to someone. I know it’s getting annoying and tiring and I can’t say I understand the situation because I honestly don't, but hopefully, after a little more searching and self-exploration things will work out the way they should. I believe what you’re asking for is out there, unfortunately right now it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack but keep hope that you can have it.
So here’s what I say to it all. 2020 for sure screwed us all over, I knew that the night I lost my new years eve dress in an uber. But think of it this way: You might have gotten closer to your friends, spent more genuine time with your family, valued the time you got to go out even if it was just to the grocery store, got that unemployment money, or your focusing on the career you actually desire. With BLM going on, zoom classes, unemployment gaps, we can see the world changing around us and I think we all share a newfound empathy for each other. We appreciate the little things more, we are more supportive of the workers who are out there serving society, but most importantly we are becoming more understanding of the lives outside of ours. It’s okay to acknowledge you’re falling apart and it’s okay to let it happen. This is your reminder that all of us might be doing the exact same thing. This uncertainty is our rock bottom and from there we’re able to build, start over, level up, and make whatever of it.
If you know someone who’s struggling, it’s always okay to:
Send a thoughtful card (support USPS!)
Send a surprise gift
Treat them to lunch and if you can’t go out, uber eats/post mates them a favorite of theirs.
Call. Answer the texts and facetime, because while we might not be able to socialize in person you’re more than capable of maintaining that friendship via phone.
Sincerely,
K