Dear Reader,
Two Movie Mondays ago I discussed the film Something Borrowed which got me thinking about friendships & how too often we tend to tie the term “toxic relationship” in with the idea of romantic relationships but why don’t we ever talk about toxic friendships? I think it’s easy for us to give a lot of leeway when it comes to mistakes in friendships because we tend to expect less. However, that should never be the case because we should be expecting the same amount of respect, love, and support from our friends that we do from our partners. What I’m saying is, sometimes friends feel like they can get away with so much more because they feel their position has been secured. I’m here to remind you of why we consider the friends we make to be our friends but also make note of when it’s time to come to terms with them not being good for us anymore. So what makes a toxic friend? Better yet, what makes a healthy friend?
Healthy friends don’t bully
We often feel that we can say whatever we want uncensored to our friends because we’ve known them for so long or we feel that we know them better than they know themselves but I don’t think anyone knows yourself better than you do. We need to be respectful of decisions, respectful of interests, and respectful of boundaries. This goes for friends who make fun of you in front of others so that they can win humor points and the kind of friends who stay giving backhanded compliments, those are compliments, honey. Some things should be kept to yourself because while you might think it’s playful and funny it could actually be something hurtful you’ve said that’s made a lasting impact on them.
2. Healthy friends are supportive
Obviously, we don’t support unhealthy or dangerous decisions and it’s always good to look out for your friends when you feel they might be making a poor choice, but as I said above, always say it gently and with good intention. What I’m talking about here is someone that doesn’t root you for you or cheer you on. You need friends that genuinely support you, even if it’s something they’re not necessarily interested in. There are times in your life where you’ll need an outsider’s perspective which is why we have friends for that reason, but I feel that we need to draw the line between looking out for someone & dictating. No one’s ever going to agree on the same things and that’s what makes a group of friends so wonderfully special. Whatever you’re doing, keep a note of the friends who are there supporting you along the way and the friends that are keeping quiet. People that have good things going for them will never shy away from being supportive.
2. Healthy friends don’t let jealousy get the best of them
This kind of ties into the support one, usually when there's an absence of support there could be a hint of jealousy. Healthy friends admire differences in their friend groups and are secure with themselves. When someone is jealous that could be a key indicator that they’re not quite yet secure with who they are, they haven’t settled with accepting their flaws & they haven’t discovered their strengths; therefore, they despise you for your strengths & are blind to your flaws. Everyone has their flaws, we all lack something so next time you find that jealousy is clouding your head or a friends’ remember that there’s a balance of the good and bad in everyone.
3. Healthy friends don’t trash talk
This might seem like common sense but sometimes we need to be reminded of the obvious. Healthy friends won’t talk down on other friends. Yes, we can’t always expect to be on perfect terms with every single one of our friends and it’s okay to be hurt sometimes and complain about it BUT it’s good to distinguish when a friend has unintentionally and temporarily put you in an unhappy situation versus when there’s a recurring pattern of being unhappy with this specific friend. I won’t lie and say I haven’t been in this situation because I am a big venter myself, it’s an unhealthy habit that some of us have taken on. But I’m here now, telling you that venting is never a healthy form of healing. When you vent you develop a pattern of complaining and never looking for a solution. So let’s try this together and get a hold of our unhealthy venting habits because what you say about other people might not stay with you but it will stay with those you share it with. That’s why we never tell our parents when a partner’s fucked up because we don’t want to ruin their image.
4. Healthy friends respect boundaries
Just like in relationships it’s important that each person is able to stay independent and have their own life separate from their partner’s. You are two different people who are not supposed to become one person but rather share your experiences, interests, and hobbies with each other. You don’t have to be involved in every aspect of their life because you have your own. You also don’t need to have all the same interests, I’m a believer in different friends being there for different adventures and experiences. I also want to quickly note on this topic of boundaries that healthy friends are okay with you saying no. This one goes for anyone & everyone in your life.
I want to end with a huge thank you to all my friends who have been so supportive, so kind, and really just understanding of the person I am and all the good and bad that comes with me. We, as a society, can never be completely perfect and it’s hard to always expect the best out of yourself. There are times I actually catch myself being a poor friend but it’s important to realize when you’re doing it & try your best to break that habit. I believe that friends should constantly be supportive and loving, no matter how long they’ve been in your life or how silly you can get at times. So whether you have a toxic friend or you are the toxic friend, these are very doable things I believe you can work on. The first step you’ll need to take is knowing when you’ve done one or more of these things & try to change that habit every time it pops up. Also, I challenge you to message a friend, someone you have or haven’t seen recently, and let them know why you appreciate them!
Sincerely,
K